I Answer Your Questions!

I Answer Your Questions!

This is a response to the Teens Can Write, Too! blog chain prompt. All of the details for this month’s chain can be found here including the list of other participants. There were some great entries last month so please check them out for November too! (Clicking the image below will lead you back to the Blog Chain home)


The prompt was “What are the wackiest, funniest, most disturbing search terms anyone has ever used to find your blog?”

This post contains a lot of links. They lead to the pages I think people reached via these terms. If you have a lot of time on your hands, feel free to check them out.

I’m told that it’s important to have interesting search engine terms, so I’m very careful when i write tags to have all sorts of different ones, linking to everything in the post. I’ll admit I choose ones that I think will lead people accidentally to my blog. But that’s the point of them, isn’t it?

Some, however, I’m rather worried to find  in my stats.

I wish I could say I wasn’t an obsessive over that bar chart. Oh, I am. If I don’t get any views for several days I’ll be careful to write loads of posts to get them back; I’ll promote the hell out of what I’ve got. It’s the same with my Klout score (which, strangely, dropped by 16 today despite massive Facebook and Twitter conversations over the last day or two, so that was rather depressing. Probably a blip. Hopefully a blip.). I’ll check it every day for changes and try and improve it.

Which is all well and good. Sometimes.

I think a few of the people who read my book need help, so I’ve done my best to answer a lot of their questions below and hopefully that will make life easier for them all.

Anyway, here are a few of my favourite search engine terms that I’ve found lead people to my blog:

towel day 2011
This brought me 88 views, so I’m very glad I wrote that post. To this day it’s one of my most viewed. I’ll have to do one next year as well.

still got legs review
So, a lot of Chameleon Circuit fans have ended up on my blog – about 25 of them. That’s good to know; I’ll review all of their CDs for ever and ever!

don’t get me started gcse
I’m not exaggerating when I say there about 60 different versions of this under my search engine terms list. The “Don’t Get Me Started On….” article was a piece of coursework, and it would appear that people want ideas. For that very reason, my own article is plastered with copyright and anti-plagiarism notices.
I wrote about Twilight, for those of you looking for ideas. Also about fake tan, sparkly dresses, and curly wigs. Now let’s guess which sport I was talking about…

this guns not in your face its in my hand
This would be weird enough to have as a one-off, I’m sure you’ll agree. It doesn’t take much imagination to see why I put it on this list. But seven people got to my blog by searching for this! First of all, why are seven people searching for this? Is it a quote or something that I’ve forgotten? And secondly, why are they reading my blog because of it?

irish dancing dresses for guys
Leaving aside the fact that 90% of my search engine terms relate to Irish dancing (yet very few to ballet! How depressing is that?), why are guys wearing dresses? And Irish dancing dresses at that? Perhaps they meant ‘costumes’….

each time lord child, approaches the eye to be inspired or run
Another Chameleon Circuit win. I’m loving this one.

highbrow bookshelf
When I first saw this, I thought it said eyebrow bookshelf. I now want a bookshelf that looks like an eyebrow. Alas, I know exactly why they found my blog via this, and it makes me feel bad, because I still haven’t read any more of those books.

how to put on irish dancing dress
If you have to look on the Internet to find that out, you need help. Just saying.

irish dancers against wigs
Yes! Let the sane dancers unite!

gcse maths 2011 was too hard
Tell me about it. We can be sympathetic to each other if you come talk to me.

irish dancing wig styles images for enjoyment
Apparently, there’s someone out there who looks at pictures of crazy curly wigs for enjoyment. I don’t know about you, but I think that sounds like a slightly sad life. Don’t you think?

bad spock drawings
I’ll have you know that the picture of Spock on my calculator is not bad at all …. I didn’t talk about that picture in public. Honest. There’s not a sharpied picture of Spock and the words DON’T PANIC written on the back of my calculator for enjoyment / encouragement during exams, really.

hey asda i ain’t gonna be your bitch
Just yes.

I am informed that this stands for Laughing So Hard I Fall Off My Camel And Spill My Humus (or something to that effect). I believe Spook used it in a comment on here once…?

for some reason i thought it’s morning but it’s night
So did I. Go back to sleep.

i’ll be absent for lesson next week
Most of these I noticed at the time, but this is one I’ve never seen before. Why are people asking Google this? Seriously, why?

fatal 500 trained monkeys
Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Some people have problems.

desperate to pee novels
That’s quite worrying.

when to tell friends that i am writing a novel
When you need them to yell at you to get off YouTube so that you can hit your wordcount – also, I’m not sure why this leads to my blog, since I’ve never had a problem talking about writing.

captain jack harkness i can’t tell you what i’m thinking right now
I can’t tell you what I was thinking when I read this for the first time, either. Ha ha ha :)

farewell terrible towel
Oh, thanks. I see how it is! I’m a terrible towel now, am I? Well, bye!
Oh. You weren’t talking to me.

desperate to pee
Again with the peeing. Get off the internet and go to the toilet, silly readers.

miriam “stephen king”
I’m worried, there were a few of these. Has Stephen King written a novel about someone called Miriam and if so, should I read it or would it be too painful for me? Let me know if you’ve got any idea.

greatness of towels
Impossible to describe my happiness when I realised just how many Hitchhikers fans read my blog.

how i know when it is easter sunday
When the calendar and/or Google says so.

is rory williams welsh

i hurt jenny
Umm, apparently I have some sadists hanging around? I do wish they wouldn’t put incriminating evidence like that on the internet, they might get arrested. Also, my character’s name was Jennie. She’d get annoyed if she knew people who spell their names with a ‘y’ were invading her blog-ness.

douglas adams sanity

So, to conclude, the accidental readers of my blog are Irish dancers (sometimes gender confused), Hitchhikers fans, Chameleon Circuit fans, and people who don’t know how to read a calendar or how to go the toilet. Oh, and also people who like Captain Jack Harkness. But I don’t know anybody who doesn’t.

We of the Blog Chain were also asked to give a sentence or two about our NaNo novel. Mine is approaching 40k, and this is the summary I put on the NaNoWriMo website:

Aniviel Smith went to university to get a degree, get a job, and get away from the parents that called her Aniviel. But on meeting Peter and David, she discovered a strange student society, the Blue Knights.

Apparently, these sword-wielding weirdos weren’t just fencing enthusiasts.

Thanks for reading! I’ll be too busy working on NaNoWriMo for the next few days to do any blog posts, I think, but if you want something to read then check out that list of participants (it’ll be up until I’m given the next one to update it) and read their blogs!


Saw this search engine term today:

she gives me money when i’m in need
If this is your girlfriend or whatever… Dude, she’s not a partner, she’s a bank. Get a real job, or she’ll start charging interest.

28 thoughts on “I Answer Your Questions!

  1. Yes, the gun-in-your-face thing is a quote. I know it was in the trailer for the Sherlock Holmes sequel, but if it was in anything before that, I’m unaware. Some of those other ones, though…

    1. I swear Spook, every time you comment you type your email address slightly differently, so WordPress thinks you’re a different person and I have to approve all your comments… I thought it was.co.uk? And last time you missed out the ‘l’ on Hotmail.
      Ha ha ha ha :D
      What was you, the LSHIFOMCASIMH? Or some of the other disturbing searches?

  2. I agree; the “desperate to pee novels” is quite worrying. Especially, since there’s no punctuation, you can interpret that one of two disturbing ways. Either they’re searching for novels about people being desperate to use the toilet, or they’re attempting to find out how to pee a novel. They do say inside every writer is a novel waiting to come out, but I don’t think it’s supposed to come out like that. 0_0

  3. XDXD The internet is full of some “interesting” people. “Fatal 500 trained monkeys” was probably my favorite.

    Best of luck on your NaNo novel! I’m off to listen to your parody, which looked really good. I also love to write NaNo- and writing-related parodies to popular songs… And I know where my towel is. I feel like I should have found your blog sooner!

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