Crash And Burn

Crash And Burn

I have a self-destructive streak. By the end of every term I am exhausted and I fall ill during the first week of the holiday; I sleep for three days just to catch up from all those nights of going to bed one hour later than I should have done, and by the end of the three days I’ve done about two months’ worth so I’ve got another month to go. But still as every term starts I sign up to every activity possible and I will spend my evenings busier than anyone else I know, getting more and more tired until I have a nervous breakdown and cry in front of the entire music department at school.

Yes, that happened on Tuesday.

I was ordered to go home and sleep. I didn’t quite follow that instruction, I’m afraid. For a start, my bus got a flat tyre halfway down the road, so I had to wait for another one. Then I went to the parcel office to collect something that I’d been out when it was delivered, and there was a queue and I had to wait for ages. And then I hung out with my friend for a while. When I got home, I watched stupid stuff on YouTube, read a book, and sat next to a radiator without the energy to warm up any other way.

I was too tired to move. Opening my emails just made me sink into a heap of despair. I knew I didn’t have the energy to read them all. I skimmed through a couple and composed some half hearted replies, but I didn’t have the strength for anything more. Even at dinner time I was finding myself too shattered to eat: it sounds insane, but it was true. Just lifting the fork was too much effort for me and I ended up unable to finish my meal.

And so I had a long bath, and I went to bed about two hours earlier than I normally do. I was asleep within about ten minutes, more impressive when you consider that I tend to suffer from insomnia and you’ll usually find me wide awake two hours later.

I had a dream that I woke up late.

Then I woke up, and the alarm clock next to my bed said 2:25. Well, I thought, it’s obviously lying; that clock’s been an hour fast for months.

I’m in the middle of exams at the moment and we have ‘study leave’ – we only have to go into school for the exams themselves. Yesterday, my only exam was English Literature (e.g. WRITE US ESSAYS ON TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD AND THE CRUCIBLE OR YOU WILL DIE or at least fail this module) and it was at one thirty in the afternoon,. so I had the morning off.

2:25. It had to be lying. It couldn’t be 1:25 – there was no way I had overslept that much. My alarm was set at 9:15. I should’ve woken up.  I grabbed my phone: 13:25.

Suddenly, I was incredibly awake.

Fumbling for the keys, I typed in Mum’s number. “Mum?” I said, when she picked up. “I just woke up, and my exam starts in three minutes. What do I do?”

I was obviously not well, because it’s a really long time since I’ve slept for that long without waking up at all, so Mum agreed to call in sick for me, and we’ve managed to reschedule my exam to be Friday afternoon. But however ironic I found it that it was the English Lit exam I slept through (lit is French for bed), it proved something to me:

I need to stop doing this until I crash and burn completely.

8 thoughts on “Crash And Burn

  1. The Crucible? Hehe, I was in that …

    Eugh, you really are overworked. The sooner those holidays of yours turn up the better, jeesh! *sends hugs and wishes she could send energy at the same time*

  2. You have taken the first step grasshopper, you have admitted there is a problem to solve. *giggles*

    Yes, Miriam I have to agree. Stop pushing yourself until you crash. As hard as it may be in the society where we’re supposed to do ten thousand things and have fifteen activities for our kids (I’m sorry but no. I’ll let them try differnt things, but not all at once. I need my sleep and sanity if I’m going to take care of them). Anyway I suspect the first thing to do is to NOT sign up for every activity possible. Start with just giving yourself one night a week free, and then eek it up to two. I think three nights sans scheduled activities (so you can socialize and write) might be good. Those I’m sort of opposite. I like no more than three nights taken up with activities. :} then again I’m kind of a home body.

    1. Three nights a week! O.o
      Now let me see.
      Monday – Concert Band; String Group
      Tuesday – Violin lesson every other week
      Wednesday – Creative Writing Club (I help run it); Ballet
      Thursday – Creative Writing Club (Different one, I just go to this one); Ballet; House group every other week
      Friday – Band
      Saturday – Ballet; Orchestra
      Sunday – Worship Group practice; church
      Hmmm….. maybe you’re right….

  3. I can definitely relate to this post haha. I got a day off school today and I was so burnt out that I didn’t wake up until 2.30p, :S

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