Baby Miriam Judges Your Life

Baby Miriam Judges Your Life

I love baby photos. I think they’re absolutely hilarious. Pre-2000 Miriam was completely adorable. She had a very expressive face and a tendency to look concerned, upset, or judgemental about pretty much everything.

So this post is in celebration of that. For the students currently revising for exams who don’t have time to read a long text-based post, and everybody else who wants something primarily formed of images — here’s a summary of my life before the millenium, with a few badly-digitalised photos. And by digitalised I mean I took photos of them on my phone, because I’m too lazy to scan things.


20150407_101231“Oh, puh-lease. As if that would work. Look, this isn’t my first day investigating fences. I do know what I’m doing, so let me do my job.”

20150407_101304“Are they doing what I think they’re doing? Oh, man, they are, aren’t they. Look at that. That’s just a disaster waiting to happen. You can’t get the staff these days.”

20150407_101317“Well, that’s it. I give up. You’ve really messed that one up, haven’t you? I mean I think we can clearly see that you’ve messed that one up.”

20150407_101333“I’m judging your fashion choices. And your life choices. And you. You’ve let me down, you’ve let everyone else down, but more importantly, you’ve let yourself down.”

20150407_101732“I looked into the abyss. Now I’m terrified of everything.”

20150407_102049“I take life very seriously. I’m going to pretend I can’t see this large elderly human laughing at me. Grown-ups are very strange.”

20150407_102330“Cake is an exceedingly worrying part of life. Why is there cake? Can you rescue me?”

20150407_103105“I hate everything. But mostly my hair. I know it’s 1999, but there’s really no excuse for this.”

20150407_103316“Like seriously. Who thought this was a good idea? There’s no way anybody thought this was a good idea. What is this hairstyle trying to be?”

20150407_103351“You think I never smile? Here, I’m gonna smile. See how you like that! Yeah. Yeah, I thought you didn’t want me to. Yeah, just run away.”

20150407_103446“I’m going to be a ballerina one day. Just you watch. You think I can’t do it, but I can.”

20150407_103456“Oh, I’m the queen of the universe? Yeah, I know. Thanks for reminding me. This is my throne. Feel free to start worshipping me at any point.”

20150407_101718“Look, Dad! In the future people will see us on the internet! Can you see them? They’re just on the other side of that screen. They’re looking straight at us.”

20150407_102826“Nobody understands my pain. You just don’t get what it’s like to be three. You can’t possibly comprehend the sheer existential despair I’m experiencing right now. Leave me alone.”

20150407_103057“Look! I’m not the smallest human anymore! There’s a cousin-creature, and it’s smaller than me. HA. I’m not the tiny one now.”

I found these pictures while procrastinating this morning. They’re thoroughly entertaining — I had such brilliant facial expressions. All the photos before about 1999 just show me looking very worried and/or angry about everything, but after that I seemed to cheer up a bit. According to Mother Person I was tired all the time (nothing changes), so maybe that’s why my resting face looked like I was terrified of everything.

Although I have to say, in a lot of the group shots my expression seems to express a feeling more akin to “siblings why”, with my older brother and sister doing any number of odd things while I watch in confusion and despair. That’s the curse of being the youngest, of course.

Also, seriously, what were my parents thinking with my haircuts?

17 thoughts on “Baby Miriam Judges Your Life

        1. My sister’s habits included pushing my brother over when he was learning to sit up, which just seems mean. My brother, on the other hand, had a green hat that he wore EVERYWHERE. Me? I just watched everything and didn’t really say anything and couldn’t be bothered to walk until we moved to a bigger house and I actually thought it was worth making the effort. I’m pretty sure my baby self was just disinterested in everything.

          1. Ha. My littlest sister, who is four now, is extremely talkitive and has a fairly large vocabulary (both of these are probably because she has seven older siblings). She has used words like “impressive” and “horrible” and “thoughtful”. And by brother (now ten) really liked keys when he was little.

          2. Also, another one of my sisters when she was a baby would pull her hair, cry because she was pulling her hair, and pull her hair because she was crying.

  1. OMG I LAUGHED QUITE HARD. Well…laughing at you seems a strange thing ot confess. But seriously a) you are adorable back in ’99 and b) you really were judging the world, woah, and c) your captions where hilarious. I particularly love the one with the birthday cake where you’re like 1000% done.
    It’s really tough being a toddler.
    All my baby photos are of me in one of those child-backpack thingies on my mum/dad’s back so avoid my 5 older siblings. Apparently I hated them. Apparently I hated when people looked at me. I’ve been hiding since ’94.

    1. There are a few of me in backpacks and a lot where I seem to be judging my siblings and/or being tormented by them (but I didn’t like to post those without asking them first). And don’t worry, since I dug these out earlier my whole family and Facebook feed have been laughing at them.

  2. Those pictures are just too cute! I love them. You were so ADORABLE!!!!!
    Ahh… baby pictures… :-3 Back from the day when I had more relatives than friends and thus my birthday parties were mostly just me, my baby brother, and my grandparents… Bear obsessions meant a memorable cake, only slightly less memorable than my new-glasses expression when I was three…
    (Believe it or not, I was blond with stick-straight hair back then… My hair is dark-auburn and curly now… Also, my bangs… What is the point of bangs?! They just make you look like the Winter Soldier when you come to your senses and start growing them out again. Unless your hair is curly, of course. Then you just look like a particularly malevolent demon.)

      1. Yeah… I went through a mousy sort of stage too, before the auburn came out.
        And I had this bemused-Bruce-Banner look behind my glasses when you look at those photos now… X-P

        1. That sounds adorable. I didn’t get glasses until a couple of years ago, so baby!me didn’t have to deal with that — she just stared absently and slightly creepily at everything.

          1. Because you couldn’t see clearly? I know how that feels… there was a while when I “didn’t need” glasses because my vision had adjusted until it was almost twenty-twenty, but then it got worse later on… The first time I watched “The Phantom Menace” after getting glasses for the second time, I went, “Wait, WHAT?! Obi-Wan has dimples?!” I probably need to get new glasses now… (It’s probably why I identify people in movies I’m watching more by their voices than faces…)

          2. I always identify people by voice more than faces simply because I’ve got a terrible memory for faces — I think it’s because I never really look straight at people. But actually I had pretty much perfect eyesight until I was sixteen or so.

          3. Oh boy… I have a hard time looking people in the eyes, too. And sometimes when I do I blush. Makes work awkward, sometimes. (I work at a Dairy Queen, both making product and running the registers…)

  3. OH THIS IS UTTERLY ADORABLE. I accept baby Miriam’s judgmentalness because the cuteness overwhelms me. (Also your commentary is hilarious.)

    Now I want to do a post like this. :-)

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